How abusers manipulate & traumatize their victims

The worst manipulative tactics narcissists and sociopaths use to demean and control you.

"Toxic" people such as vengeful narcissists, psychopaths and other types of people with antisocial traits adopt maladaptive behaviors in their relationships that end up exploiting, belittling or hurting their partner, family and friends. They use many deceptive tactics which distort the reality of their victims and deflect their own responsibilities.

Here are the tactics that people with more or less severe personality disorders use.

1. Gaslighting

By "Gaslighting" we mean a manipulation tactic that makes use of, for example, these formulas or their variations: "It didn't happen", "You imagined it" and "Are you crazy" is a sort of denial. Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most unfair manipulation tactics, because it attempts to distort and erode your perception of reality; it significantly affects self-confidence, which can even lead an individual to choose not to report abuse and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, a sociopath performs this technique on you, you may subconsciously accept it as a way of reconciling the disharmony between your versions of events. Two different beliefs challenge each other: is the other person right or can I trust what I remember happened? A manipulative person will try to convince you that the former is an inescapable reality, while the latter is a sign of your dysfunction.

To resist these attempts at manipulation, it's important to rely on your own version of reality – sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend about it, or reporting the experience to a therapist can help counteract the gaslighting effect. . Having the support of external people can take you away from the distorted reality described by the malicious person and help you gain self-confidence.

2. Projection

A clear sign of meanness is the other person's inability to realize their shortcomings, and the attitude of using every power in their possession to avoid being held accountable. This behavior is like a projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to deflect responsibility for a negative behavior or trait by attributing it to someone else. It acts as a digression that leads to avoidance of one's responsibilities.

Although everyone uses projection in some way, according to Narcissistic Personality expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, a narcissist's projections are often psychologically abusive. Rather than admit their flaws, imperfections, and mistakes, malevolent narcissists and sociopaths prefer to unload their traits onto unwitting victims in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting the possibility of self-improvement, they prefer their victim to take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed. This is how the narcissist projects whatever shame they feel about themselves onto others.

For example, a pathological liar might accuse their partner of lying; a wife in need of affection might call her husband "clingy" to make him seem dependent on her; a rude employee might call their boss inefficient to try to escape the reality of their low productivity.

The narcissist used to offending and behaving meanly loves to play at shifting the blame to others. The object of the game is simple: he wins, you lose, and you or the world at large take the blame for whatever is wrong with them. In this way, you babysit their fragile ego while sinking into a sea of self-doubt.

Advice in these cases? Do not “project” your value system onto a narcissist as this has the possible consequence of leading to further exploitation. Extreme narcissists usually have no interest in introspection or change. It is important to break relationships and cease interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so that you can focus on your reality and validate your identity. Avoid living in someone else's dysfunctional shadow.

3. Nonsensical conversations intended to confuse you

If you believe you can have a satisfying conversation with a "toxic" individual, be prepared instead to have to deal with little sense dialogues, which have the intent to destabilize you.

Malevolent narcissists and sociopaths often use tricks like gibberish, circular reasoning, ad-hominem arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient and mislead you should you disagree or challenge them in any way. They do this to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distracting you from the actual problem and making you feel guilty that you are a human being with thoughts and emotions that may be different than theirs. In their eyes, the problem is your existence.

Just spending ten minutes arguing with a hostile and ill-disposed narcissist is enough to forget even why the argument even started. Maybe you've simply questioned their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career or lifestyle is under attack. This is because your contradicting them has touched their false belief that they are omniscient and omnipotent, resulting in an injury to their ego.

Toxic people are adept at engaging in long, exhausting monologues. They thrive on drama and live for it. Every time you try to provide a point of view that contradicts their ridiculous claims, you are just feeding them. Don't feed the narcissist - rather, provide yourself with confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, it's not you. Stop the interaction the moment you notice that the situation is about to get worse and instead use your energies to take care of yourself.

4. Trivial Statements, Generalizations, and “Mind Reading”

Malignant narcissists are often intelligent people but many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than spending their time thoroughly considering a different perspective, they generalize everything you say, responding with blanket statements that don't take into account the nuances of your position or consider the multiple perspectives you've alluded to. On the other hand, why bother to reason? Better to brand yourself with a label that dismisses your position in one fell swoop!

If, for example, you point out to a narcissist that their behavior is unacceptable, they will often respond with blanket statements regarding your oversensitivity with phrases such as “you are never happy” or “you are always too sensitive”, rather than discussing the actual problematic. Sure, you may be sensitive at times, but it's also possible that most of the time your abuser will be insensitive and cruel.

Hold onto your truth and resist these generalizations bearing in mind that they are nothing more than an illogical black and white way of thinking. Toxic people who use sweeping statements do not represent the full spectrum of experience – they only represent their own limited experience and inflated self-conception.

In the eyes of a malignant narcissist or sociopath, your differing opinions, legitimate emotions, and real life experiences are nothing more than character flaws and a sign of your irrationality.

Narcissists are quick to twist what you're saying in a way that makes your opinions seem absurd or offensive. Let's say you point out to your friend with whom you are in a toxic relationship that you don't like the tone in which he is speaking to you. In response, he or she may attribute things to you that you never said, saying, "Oh, so you're perfect instead?" or "So I'm a bad person, huh?" even if you have done nothing but express your feeling. This allows them to invalidate your right to express thoughts or emotions about their inappropriate behavior and to instill guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.

Then there is another frequent form of diversion and cognitive distortion comparable to the alleged "mind reading". Toxic people often assume they know what you are thinking and feeling. They frequently jump to conclusions based on what bothers them rather than stopping to think seriously about the situation. They react according to their own illusions and logical errors and do not apologize for the pain they cause as a result. Known for attributing to others words they have not said, they portray you as the person with the bizarre intention or point of view, even though this does not belong to you. They accuse you of deeming them contemptible – even before you've given yourself time to comment on their behavior – as a form of pre-emptive defense.

Just stating, "I never said that" and walking away if the person keeps accusing you of doing or saying something you didn't do can help you set hard lines in this type of interaction. As long as the toxic person is able to place the blame on others by diverting attention from their own behavior, they will have been successful in convincing you that you should be ashamed of trying to question them.

5. Nitpicking and belittling the results obtained

The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism lies in the presence of personal attacks or impossible standards. These so-called “critics” often don't want you to get better, they just want to nitpick, humiliate you, and scapegoat you as often as possible. Abusive narcissists and sociopaths try to debunk your accomplishments to feel justified in being consistently dissatisfied with you. This happens when, despite having already provided all possible evidence to validate your position or having done everything possible to satisfy their requests, they expect further sacrifices from you or ask for more evidence to support what you claim.

Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will then wonder why you are not a millionaire yet. Have you already done everything necessary to make them feel satisfied? However, you should have maintained a greater degree of “independence”. The yardstick shifts constantly and new requests are meant to have you begging on your knees for approval and recognition from the narcissist.

By setting their expectations higher and higher from time to time or by changing them completely, manipulative and toxic people are capable of instilling in you a generalized sense of incompetence and inadequacy. By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you may have done wrong and analyzing it extensively, narcissists divert attention away from your strengths and lead you to develop an obsession with any possible flaws or weaknesses. They make you think about what their next expectation is that you'll have to meet — to the point where you'll go out of your way to meet their every single need — only to then realize that it still doesn't change the horrible way they treat you.

Don't get sucked into this spiral, if someone keeps digging up an irrelevant issue over and over again to the point where they don't even consider all the effort you've put into it, they aren't doing it to better understand the situation. They do this to make you believe that you constantly have to prove something to others. Instead, you have to prove something only to yourself. You must be aware that you are enough and prevent others from making you feel constantly incompetent and not up to par.

6. Change the subject to escape responsibilities

This tactic could be summed up with the phrase “What about me?”. The intention is to distract you from the actual speech so as to shift your attention to an entirely different matter. Narcissists don't want you to hold them accountable, so they twist the conversation so that their point of view is the center of attention. Are you complaining about how they neglect their children? They'll bring up a mistake you made seven years ago. This kind of diversion is unlimited in time or content, and often begins with a line like, "Well, what about that time I..."

On a larger level, this kind of diversion is used to derail discussions that endanger the status quo. A gay rights discourse, for example, could be quickly derailed by someone drawing attention to another social justice issue to distract people from the main discourse.

Don't get sidetracked – if someone tries to do it to you, you can try the 'broken record technique' and keep stating the facts without giving in to distractions. Redirect their attempt to redirect you by saying “That's not what I'm talking about. Let's focus on this issue." If they don't care, leave it alone and use your energy for something more constructive – like not arguing with someone who shows gross immaturity.

7. Threats and blackmail

Pathological narcissists feel attacked when their sense of entitlement, sense of superiority and self-worth is challenged in any way, and rather than deal with disagreements by making compromises, they prefer to deny you the right to have a point. of view, attempting to instill fear in you about the consequences of disagreeing with them and not complying with their requests. For them, the answer to any challenge is an ultimatum, and the formula "you must do this or I will do that" becomes a daily catchphrase.

If someone's reaction to your drawing boundaries or having a different opinion than theirs is to threaten you into giving up, whether it's a small veiled threat or a clear admission of what they intend to do, that's a sign alarm that indicates how the other is highly convinced that everything is due to him and has no intention of reaching a compromise.

8. Insults

Narcissists tend to cautiously exaggerate anything they perceive as a threat to their own superiority. In their world, they are the only ones who can always be right and anyone who dares to say otherwise creates a narcissistic wound that often results in anger.

In the worst cases these people choose to express their narcissistic anger through name-calling when they can't find a better way to manipulate your opinion or manage your emotions. Insults are their simplest method of bringing you down, humiliating you, and offending your intelligence, appearance, and behavior while invalidating your right to be an individual with your own point of view.

Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, or positions. A well-argued and documented opinion instead becomes "stupid" or "idiocy" in the eyes of a malignant narcissist or a sociopath who feels threatened and is unable to respond with a respectful and equally convincing idea. Rather than focusing on your positions, they target you as a person and try to detract from your credibility and intelligence in every possible way. It's important to stop any interaction that consists of name calling and communicate that you won't tolerate it. Don't internalize the insults: remember that if they resort to insults it is because they are not capable of attacking you with more intelligent methods.

9. Destructive conditioning

Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents and happy memories with abuse, frustration and hurt. They do this by belittling qualities or traits they once idealized and, at the same time, sabotaging your goals by ruining holidays and vacations. They may even isolate you from your friends and family or make you financially dependent on them. Like Pavlov's dogs, you are essentially conditioned over time to be afraid to do those things that once made your life fulfilling.

Narcissists and sociopaths and other toxic people do this because they want to draw attention to themselves and how you might please them. If there is anything outside of them that threatens their control over your life, they want to destroy it as soon as possible. They need to be the center of attention at all times. In the idealization stage, you were the center of the narcissist's world – but now the narcissist wants to become the center of yours.

Narcissists are also pathologically envious and want nothing to come between them and their influence on you. On the other hand, if you realize that you can get approval, respect and love from other people, what's stopping you from leaving them? In the eyes of the toxic person, a little conditioning is the best way to keep you on your toes and away from happiness and your dreams.

10. Defamation and stalking

When toxic personalities fail to control how you see yourself, they begin to control how others see you; they act like victims, leaving you to be labeled as the toxic individual. A smear campaign is the first step in sabotaging your reputation and tarnishing your name so that you have no friends to fall back on in case you decide to break away and cut ties with them. They may go as far as stalking and harassing you or people you know as a way to "expose" the truth about you; these acts aimed at exposing you serve to hide their abusive behaviors, projecting them onto you.

Some smear campaigns can also work to pit two groups of people against each other. A victim in an abusive relationship with a narcissist usually doesn't know what the other is saying about her during the relationship, but usually discovers her falsehoods after being abandoned.

Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and in front of you), slander you to your and their loved ones, tell stories that portray you as the abuser and them as the victim, and accuse you of the same behaviors they fear you might report. about them. At the same time they will abuse you methodically, deliberately but covertly so that they can use your reactions to prove that they are the real victims of your abuse.

The best way to deal with a smear campaign is to carefully gauge your reactions and stick to the facts. This is especially important in the event of a highly conflicted divorce with a narcissist who may be using your reactions to their taunts against you. Document any forms of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking and communicate with the narcissist through an advocate when possible. If you believe that the other is overdoing the stalking and abuse, you may decide to take legal action; finding an attorney who is knowledgeable about Narcissistic Personality Disorder is crucial in this case. Your character and integrity will do the rest as the mask of the narcissist begins to fall apart.

11. Love-bombing and devaluation

Toxic people put you through a phase of idealization until you are immersed and engrossed enough to start a friendship or relationship with them. Only then do they begin to devalue you, insulting the very things they used to admire so much. Alternatively, the toxic individual places you on a pedestal, devaluing and attacking someone else who undermines their sense of superiority. Narcissistic abusers do this all the time – they devalue their exes with the new partner, until the new partner begins to receive the same abuse as the narcissist's ex-partner. Eventually, what will happen is that you will receive the same kind of abuse. One day you will be the ex-partner they want to vilify with their new livelihood. You just don't know it yet. That's why it's important to keep the love-bombing technique in mind whenever you witness behavior that doesn't align with the kind of extreme sweetness the narcissist has accustomed you to.

Be aware that how a person treats or talks about someone else can potentially translate into how they treat you in the future.

12. Preventive defense

When someone brings up the fact that they are “nice guys” (or girls), that you “have to trust them” right off the bat, or they emphasize their credibility without any provocation of any kind, be wary of them.

Toxic and abusive people exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should trust them regardless, without first building a solid foundation of actual trust. They may "exhibit" a high level of empathy early in your relationship to tease you, only to take off this false mask later. In the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle, when the false mask slowly begins to fall off, they find themselves actually terribly cold, insensitive, and dismissive.

Genuinely kind people rarely need to constantly demonstrate their positive qualities — they exude their warmth far more than they talk about it, and they know that actions are worth far more than just words. They know that respect and trust need reciprocity, not words.

To counter preemptive defense, consider why a person should choose to emphasize their good qualities. Is it because they think you don't trust them or because they know you shouldn't? Trust actions more than empty words, and notice how actions show who someone is, not who they say they are.

13. Triangulation

By "triangulation" we mean the act of inserting an opinion, perspective or possible threat from a third person into the interactive dynamic. Often used to validate toxic personality abuse while also invalidating the victim's reactions to said abuse, triangulation can also be used to concoct love triangles that make you feel insecure.

Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their partner with strangers, co-workers, exes, friends, or even family members to evoke jealousy and insecurity in you. They also use the opinion of others to validate their point of view.

This diversionary tactic serves to divert your attention away from their abusive behavior and toward an image of them as desirable and in demand. It also leads you to doubt yourself – if Marta really agrees with Tommaso, does she mean that I'm wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to "report" falsehoods that others would have said about you, when in reality they are the ones who are defaming you.

To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with you is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. Basically, everyone gets fooled by this person. You turn the triangulation against the narcissist by finding support from a third party who is not under the narcissist's influence – and also by finding your own self-respect.

14. Testing Your Limits and Then Sucking You In

Narcissists, sociopaths, and other toxic personalities continually try to test your boundaries to figure out which ones they may cross. The more violations they manage to commit without consequences, the more they will take things to extremes. This is why victims of emotional and physical abuse are often abused worse and worse each time they return to their abusers.

Abusers tend to "suck" victims back to them with sweet promises, false remorse, and empty words about their willingness to change only to abuse their victim even worse. In the sick mind of the abuser, this testing of boundaries is a punishment for reacting to the abuse and also for coming back. When a narcissist tries to push the “emotional reset” button, he further pushes your boundaries rather than pushing them back.

Particularly manipulative people do not act out of empathy or compassion, but only out of the consequences of their actions.

15. Aggressive digs that pass for jokes

Plainclothes narcissists enjoy making snide jokes to your detriment. Usually they pass them off as "jokes" so they can afford to say terrible things while maintaining an innocent and calm air. Yet every time you snap at an insensitive and crude statement you are accused of having no sense of humor. This is a tactic often used in verbal abuse.

Yet, the scornful smirk and sadistic gleam in their eyes unmask them – like a predator playing with food, a toxic person enjoys your suffering and getting away with it. It's just a joke, right? Wrong. It's just another gaslighting technique that leads you to believe their abuse is a joke — a way to divert attention from their cruelty and shine a spotlight on your own supposed sensitivity. It's important that you speak up in these cases and point out that you're not going to tolerate this kind of behavior.

Pointing out to manipulative people that you are aware of their tactics to bring you down could lead to further gaslighting from the abuser, but stand your ground sharply against their behavior and end the interaction right away if necessary.

16. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone

Belittling and putting someone down is a toxic person's forte, and their tone of voice is only one of the tools they have. Sarcasm can be a fun avenue of communication when both parties are in agreement, but narcissists consistently use it as a method to manipulate and put you down. In fact, if you try to react in any way, it is evidently because "you are too sensitive".

Being constantly treated like an infant and picked on when you dare to express yourself, you will begin to be especially careful about expressing your thoughts and opinions in order not to be reprimanded. This self-censorship allows the abuser to silence you with less and less effort, because unfortunately you will start doing it on your own.

Whenever you are greeted with a sarcastic or patronizing tone, point it out seriously and assertively. You don't deserve to be talked to like a child – nor should you ever silence yourself to meet the expectations of someone else's superiority complex.

17. Shame you

“You should be ashamed” is a favorite phrase of a toxic person. It can be used by someone non-toxic too, sure, but in the world of narcissists and sociopaths, shaming yourself is an effective method that targets any behavior or belief that could jeopardize the toxic person's power over you. It can also be used to destroy or undermine the victim's self-esteem: if the victim dares to be proud of something, shaming them for that particular trait, quality, or achievement can serve to diminish their self-esteem and drive away any pride they may feel.

Malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths enjoy using your own wounds against you – therefore they will also shame you for any abuse or injustice you may have experienced in your life as a way to re-traumatize yourself. Have you survived childhood abuse? A malignant narcissist or sociopath will say that you must have done something to deserve it, or he will brag about his happy childhood to make you feel lacking and unworthy. What better way to hurt yourself, on the other hand, than to twist the knife in an old sore? These people are trying to reopen wounds, not help you heal them.

If you suspect you are dealing with a toxic person, avoid revealing any vulnerabilities or past traumas to them. As long as they don't show you their true character, there is no reason to reveal information that could potentially be used against you.

18. Control

Most importantly, people who love to manipulate you want to stay in control in any way they can. They isolate you, keep control over your finances and social networks, and manage every corner of your life in detail. Yet, the most powerful mechanism they have to control you is to play with your emotions.

This is why abusive narcissists and sociopaths craft conflict situations out of thin air to make you feel wrong. This is why they constantly get into fights over irrelevant issues and get angry over little things. That's why they withdraw emotionally, only to idealize you again as they start to lose control. That's why sometimes they act honest and sincere and sometimes they don't, so that you can never achieve a sense of psychological security about who your partner really is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the less likely it is that you can trust your reality and the truth about the abuse you are experiencing. Knowing manipulative techniques and how they work to erode your self-perception can give you the tools about what is happening to you and, at the very least, lead you to develop a plan to take your life back, away from toxic people.