Trains are passing many times, not once!

There are trains that are better to take the second time they pass.

They told us many times that trains only come once in a lifetime and, therefore, we took that opportunity when we weren't ready. In this way, we get disappointment, frustration and a bitter memory of a journey that, in another moment, would have been wonderful.

These trains arrive full of hope, of opportunities, of progress for our lives, and letting them pass seems like a luxury that we cannot afford. An unwritten law tells us that if we do so, we are doomed to failure.

Fortunately, this is just the umpteenth result of another of those irrational beliefs that our society has in common, which do nothing but generate anxiety and suffering. We have been taught to pay attention to any passing train that brings us closer to our future, even if the obstacles this entails are greater than the tools we possess in the short term.

Nothing is irreversible

Life is a journey full of trains and, every day, there is a new station where you can choose which of these to take. Decisions in which the sacrifices are as important as the tickets you buy. We often think that if that golden opportunity comes along, and we let it slip away, we won't be able to have another one; this is the result of illogical, unreal thinking.

We live in a world where when one door closes, five open, and when an opportunity is missed, lessons are learned and learned, better ones presented, and so on, throughout our lives. Whatever age you are, therefore, you can continue to bet on changes.

Few things are irreversible, fewer than what we believe. Think about it: if you didn't seize an opportunity because you didn't feel ready, because you didn't realize it was there or because it wasn't the right time, don't worry, because the world doesn't end nor do other trains stop passing by.

We believe that "the love or work of our life" exists, but it is not true: there are loves, people with whom we get along more or less and better or worse jobs, but nothing more than this. The problem is that we believe that our happiness depends on it.

We are the ones who use the qualifier "of my life" and, for this reason, we feel bad when something slips away. You must keep in mind that everyone, absolutely all of us, have missed that "train" at times, but we survived, we learned something and we took the next one, which came full of exciting surprises.

Sometimes we even got to thinking: luckily I let that train pass, because the second one was even better.

Trains returning to the station

These trains you believe have left forever will return to their departure station. Maybe with other passengers on board, maybe with new things to offer you: new routes, different landscapes, but they will certainly come back.

It is important so that you do not fall into demotivation, so that you know that life is cyclical and changeable, that nothing is decisive, that things are not black or white: you get on board or you lose it forever.

You must realize, therefore, that at any moment, in any corner, your train can pass, one of the many that you will take during your life. What is really important is that you are careful and do not give up.

It is essential not to give up, to continue to persevere, to continue knocking on every door, without anything stopping us: neither fear nor age nor limiting thoughts.

Perseverance is the mother of success and what we don't know, in reality, is that we are the trains.

Missing you

“Missing each other is already belonging” I read this morning on Facebook. A quote from the writer Lailly Daolio that led me to some reflections that I would like to share with you.

Feeling of lack

The feeling of lack is one of those we feel most ardently in our lives. We miss a loved one, a friend, a parent or a child but we also miss countries and places, situations and feelings. Is it belonging? Yes, what we are missing is certainly part of our life and our existence. It was or is.

The feeling of emptiness generated by lack makes us understand the strength of a feeling and the value a person has in our life. The shortcomings related to the family are self-explanatory: undoubtedly the absence of a child or a parent are very strong feelings we all feel for good reasons - a departure or a journey - and for less beautiful reasons - mourning or separation due to events, a voluntary separation of one of the parties – in any case it is a shortcoming.

Loss

The loss of the loved one is intense and wonderful. It could mark us a partner away for work but also a lover who we cannot see or hear. The person who decided to interrupt the stretch of life together is missing. Equally important is the lack of places - where we lived or where we were born - or of feelings and situations - lack of love, friendship or sense of family -.

How can we live with this sense of emptiness generated by lack? Of course it depends on the situation. If we talk about the loss of a deceased person we must necessarily feel pain and then let go of this feeling. The person who is no longer with us has left something very important in our lives. If we come to miss them, therefore, let's not forget the beautiful moments we spent together.

Every now and then let's take refuge in those memories, in his words, in his teachings or in his hugs but let's do it with a smile and not with the pain of no longer having them. I quote this phrase from Saint Augustine I love very much: "Let us not despair at having lost a loved one, but let us rejoice at having had them".

If we miss a person in the family because they have decided to end the relationship - unfortunately this also happens - then we owe it to ourselves to metabolize this abandonment and then let go of any feelings of anxiety, fear and anger associated with it. Negative feelings don't make us feel good and don't even bring us back to reconnecting with that finished relationship. Let's avoid crowding our minds with questions about how it is possible for a father to abandon a son or a mother to leave a daughter in difficulty.

We can never know the aspects of that person's mind. What we can do is love each other, seek contact at the beginning - especially because he will make us feel like we have tried everything - and then dedicate ourselves to our happiness. There is happiness even without those people. It exists if we want it strongly, if we cultivate it, if we look for it in what is next to us. In most situations it happens that too focused on understanding why that relationship ended we lose sight of the wonder and gifts that life has given us. A person who loves us, a child, health, the magic of emotions.

Love

And now we come to love. Missing your loved one is the first step to understanding that person has true value for us, they belong to us. We miss her looks, her words, her messages, her smile, her caresses and hugs. We miss her and we find her in every song, in every film, in every word read in a book.

It's like that, it's part of love. What to do? We must rejoice if this feeling is part of a relationship that works and that does not make us miss the feeling of being the most loved person in the world. Even if the lack generates a void, the awareness of being part of one whole with the other person must make us feel good.


Especially if we know – and we always know – that the other person misses us too. Let's think back to the last hug or kiss and stay there for a while... smiling and enjoying those wonderful sensations. This helps us overcome the lack until the next hug.

If the relationship is not reciprocated, we need to change our attitude, a nice turning point and we start again. Let's not stop where there is no happiness for us. It is not fair to ourselves and the life we have been given.

We don't deserve unhappiness and we must always feel true and sincere love in our lives.
The one that overwhelms you and makes you unexpectedly emotional. The one that makes you get up in the morning thinking about the person you love and knowing that they are thinking of you. The one that keeps you physically distant but united in heart and soul.

If this is not there, that journey is not made for us. We have to get off the train and do it as soon as possible, before the right one can pass alongside us without stopping.

The finished love. This is very complicated. Here we need to recover all the strength necessary to be able to love ourselves to the point of understanding that that story is over and we cannot keep ourselves anchored to an idea that belongs to the past. The end of a marriage, a cohabitation, an engagement or a simple relationship is not a failure.

It is important to impress this in our minds because it is the first block we impose on ourselves. We made a piece of life together with that person but now it's time to close and look beyond. The lack, especially in the case of long relationships, is often dictated by habit. No longer setting the table for that person makes you feel empty, just like no longer seeing the toothbrush in the glass or not having a person to organize Sunday with.

The kiss goodnight or the complicity in preparing breakfast in the morning is a lack. Missing the daily phone call and chatting before going to sleep. Well, this is often what's missing. An idea of family, of couple, of shared everyday life. But this is not love. L

love is missing breaths, kisses, hugs, smiles, gestures and words that only that person could give us. Talk to yourself: if emotions are missing and love is no longer reciprocated, you know what to do; If, however, daily gestures are missing, then work on habits and insert new ones into your life. The first few days are difficult but give yourself a month and you will find yourself setting the table counting the right guests without even thinking about who is missing.

The idea of love and happiness shared with another person can be reconstructed with the new. But we must be ready to welcome it…

Places

And, finally, if you miss places and countries near or far. Well, go... take a trip to recover the wonderful emotions that they give you or move if you think that your life elsewhere could be better.

A

I will not post any photographs of her or even mention her name.
She'll understand.

All that is wonderful at the beginning of our story I hope will turn into the story of our life, the one with a capital S, the one that will make us happy and let us experience the fairytale ending, while I tremble at the thought that it could turn, along the way, into an adventure with a sad and empty ending, which will break our hearts. Love is so immense that it knows no half measures.

Starting a long-lasting relationship is no joke, and if I say it as an expert, it's to be believed, even if the stereotype states that women are increasingly launched towards married life, while men, on the contrary, are increasingly reluctant to commit, the truth is that I seem the one of the two more oriented towards a long-term relationship and she is still evaluating the offer. We have only taken the path of "serious history" but it is always very important to evaluate the situation well, and we are both doing this.

Of course, there was love at first sight (I'm also a specialist in this) and no one asked questions, because there was no need given the total and immediate harmony. Yet in real life it is hardly like this, and a relationship must be cultivated day after day: it is not a chimera that once achieved will solve our problems. The chemistry of falling in love is sacrosanct, but it must be combined with other factors that blend and complement each other in the relationship of life as a couple, until the story is consolidated. But sometimes you are not ready, you can make mistakes or you come to a crossroads where you have to figure out how to continue.

I didn't ask myself questions about my future with her because I thought she might be the right person for me, and she certainly is, I just have to avoid making mistakes that could somehow ruin the harmony that has been created between us and wreck everything. This is why I began to ask myself if my intentions are serious, because it is one thing to read a text in which idyllic to catastrophic scenarios are presented to you, and another thing is to understand if beyond any reasonable feeling, she is really the woman that I was looking for and ours could be a lasting relationship and so the time has come to put myself on the line.

It all started in November 2022, I'll leave out the details. From that moment we started talking, exchanging thoughts, hopes, goals, stakes, ideas on how our relationship could be founded, initially as a friendship and then something more. That something extra was not classified as marriage even though the implication of marriage was not latent but alive, for various reasons. First of all, we both came out of bad marriage stories, we both have children. Getting married was not but could be the option on the table, it is difficult to live together in the country where we both live, especially under the same roof, the laws could create problems for us, sharing one's life more or less assiduously is the objective to be achieved and to compensate for the mutual shortcomings - no one is perfect - and aspire to a simpler life free from worries.

Considering that you are around thirty-five years old (only on your identity card) and I am a gentleman who has long passed middle age, our paths could converge to follow a common one with a lot of joy, a spirit of collaboration, inner happiness, respect , trust, lots of happiness, joy, loyalty and love, because the last must necessarily exist.

What I look for in our relationship? 

Kindness 

It may seem strange but it's true, as a man I appreciate an attitude made of sweet understanding, gentle ways and acceptance of who I am. Feeling valued and loved is the place to start. All her gestures are affectionate, not even my ex wife has ever behaved like this. She continually seeks physical contact, even just touching me with a foot or holding my hand is a sign of affection. Considering the environment where we both live (Vietnam) it's a lot. I'm happy with her.

Security

Like all men, I too have my own idea of charm and attraction. But, although there is a 'common line' for which a woman is considered attractive, it's important she knows how to recognize her own value and not be afraid to show self-confidence. Being self-confident and aware of one's qualities is a great element of charm.

Cheerfulness

I wasn't looking for a comedian, a sense of humor was enough for me, knowing how to appreciate my witticisms and her ability to entertain myself are qualities that I really appreciate. Positivity is generally contagious, and it's a way of dealing with life that makes me feel better. She has these peculiar characteristics, when we are together we laugh almost all the time, obviously not like happy geese on command, the joy comes from the happiness of sharing fragments of life together. Then she is a master in self-irony and has the ability to lighten heavy situations by de-dramatizing. In short, I was looking for someone capable of taking life with joy like her.

Emotional support

She does not have a typically feminine specialty, namely that of criticizing every action, phrase, thought made by her partner. Someone will tell me that it is still early, perhaps so but I have not seen even a few timid attempts, everything is fine with her and if criticism comes, as happens in all couples, it will be soft and painless, she will not be the type of woman who offends the partner. In a healthy relationship we support each other, and even if daily life can give rise to misunderstandings, subjecting the other to constant criticism or worse, being blamed is not a situation we can aspire to.

Simplicity

Like all men, I don't like things that are too complicated. Even about my life partner. This also applies to aesthetic parameters, self-care is fine, but I could hardly really expect and appreciate absurd aesthetic levels.

New motivation

In a relationship I also look for motivations, news and suggestions that lead me to detach myself from my habits. This would also apply under the sheets, although I think it's premature to address that. I am originally a shy man who has only become emancipated in the last few years and maybe even a little clumsy in certain situations. That's why my woman should surprise me and realize my fantasies even before expressing them.

She lives between desire and reality, between will and power, between present and future. She is a straightforward woman, with all the implications that means. She is part of a proactive, ambitious, vigorous generation that doesn't give up, that loves to dream. She is more capable of accepting the ambiguities and uncertainties of life, thanks to a strong ability to move in a chameleonic way. Sometimes she can also be cynical and unscrupulous, but often more objective than previous and subsequent generations: she knows how to wait for a need, a dream, a passion; she knows how to make a wish come true, step by step; she knows how to embrace a goal and move forward with obstinacy. But she is also a woman who has suffered, and the recent loss of her mother contributes to this and makes her more exposed to certain considerations regarding her life. 

Undoubtedly she is weaker, not even much because she always has that determination distinguishes her, but being emotionally involved in the latest events of her life leads her to consider with greater attention what she currently has at her disposal, and if this awareness is useful, certainly knowing there is a man (me) who loves her above all else is certainly an aspect not to be underestimated and not to be missed.

She is the splendid woman I love.