How abusers manipulate & traumatize their victims

The worst manipulative tactics narcissists and sociopaths use to demean and control you.

"Toxic" people such as vengeful narcissists, psychopaths and other types of people with antisocial traits adopt maladaptive behaviors in their relationships that end up exploiting, belittling or hurting their partner, family and friends. They use many deceptive tactics which distort the reality of their victims and deflect their own responsibilities.

Here are the tactics that people with more or less severe personality disorders use.

1. Gaslighting

By "Gaslighting" we mean a manipulation tactic that makes use of, for example, these formulas or their variations: "It didn't happen", "You imagined it" and "Are you crazy" is a sort of denial. Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most unfair manipulation tactics, because it attempts to distort and erode your perception of reality; it significantly affects self-confidence, which can even lead an individual to choose not to report abuse and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, a sociopath performs this technique on you, you may subconsciously accept it as a way of reconciling the disharmony between your versions of events. Two different beliefs challenge each other: is the other person right or can I trust what I remember happened? A manipulative person will try to convince you that the former is an inescapable reality, while the latter is a sign of your dysfunction.

To resist these attempts at manipulation, it's important to rely on your own version of reality – sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend about it, or reporting the experience to a therapist can help counteract the gaslighting effect. . Having the support of external people can take you away from the distorted reality described by the malicious person and help you gain self-confidence.

2. Projection

A clear sign of meanness is the other person's inability to realize their shortcomings, and the attitude of using every power in their possession to avoid being held accountable. This behavior is like a projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to deflect responsibility for a negative behavior or trait by attributing it to someone else. It acts as a digression that leads to avoidance of one's responsibilities.

Although everyone uses projection in some way, according to Narcissistic Personality expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, a narcissist's projections are often psychologically abusive. Rather than admit their flaws, imperfections, and mistakes, malevolent narcissists and sociopaths prefer to unload their traits onto unwitting victims in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting the possibility of self-improvement, they prefer their victim to take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed. This is how the narcissist projects whatever shame they feel about themselves onto others.

For example, a pathological liar might accuse their partner of lying; a wife in need of affection might call her husband "clingy" to make him seem dependent on her; a rude employee might call their boss inefficient to try to escape the reality of their low productivity.

The narcissist used to offending and behaving meanly loves to play at shifting the blame to others. The object of the game is simple: he wins, you lose, and you or the world at large take the blame for whatever is wrong with them. In this way, you babysit their fragile ego while sinking into a sea of self-doubt.

Advice in these cases? Do not “project” your value system onto a narcissist as this has the possible consequence of leading to further exploitation. Extreme narcissists usually have no interest in introspection or change. It is important to break relationships and cease interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so that you can focus on your reality and validate your identity. Avoid living in someone else's dysfunctional shadow.

3. Nonsensical conversations intended to confuse you

If you believe you can have a satisfying conversation with a "toxic" individual, be prepared instead to have to deal with little sense dialogues, which have the intent to destabilize you.

Malevolent narcissists and sociopaths often use tricks like gibberish, circular reasoning, ad-hominem arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient and mislead you should you disagree or challenge them in any way. They do this to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distracting you from the actual problem and making you feel guilty that you are a human being with thoughts and emotions that may be different than theirs. In their eyes, the problem is your existence.

Just spending ten minutes arguing with a hostile and ill-disposed narcissist is enough to forget even why the argument even started. Maybe you've simply questioned their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career or lifestyle is under attack. This is because your contradicting them has touched their false belief that they are omniscient and omnipotent, resulting in an injury to their ego.

Toxic people are adept at engaging in long, exhausting monologues. They thrive on drama and live for it. Every time you try to provide a point of view that contradicts their ridiculous claims, you are just feeding them. Don't feed the narcissist - rather, provide yourself with confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, it's not you. Stop the interaction the moment you notice that the situation is about to get worse and instead use your energies to take care of yourself.

4. Trivial Statements, Generalizations, and “Mind Reading”

Malignant narcissists are often intelligent people but many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than spending their time thoroughly considering a different perspective, they generalize everything you say, responding with blanket statements that don't take into account the nuances of your position or consider the multiple perspectives you've alluded to. On the other hand, why bother to reason? Better to brand yourself with a label that dismisses your position in one fell swoop!

If, for example, you point out to a narcissist that their behavior is unacceptable, they will often respond with blanket statements regarding your oversensitivity with phrases such as “you are never happy” or “you are always too sensitive”, rather than discussing the actual problematic. Sure, you may be sensitive at times, but it's also possible that most of the time your abuser will be insensitive and cruel.

Hold onto your truth and resist these generalizations bearing in mind that they are nothing more than an illogical black and white way of thinking. Toxic people who use sweeping statements do not represent the full spectrum of experience – they only represent their own limited experience and inflated self-conception.

In the eyes of a malignant narcissist or sociopath, your differing opinions, legitimate emotions, and real life experiences are nothing more than character flaws and a sign of your irrationality.

Narcissists are quick to twist what you're saying in a way that makes your opinions seem absurd or offensive. Let's say you point out to your friend with whom you are in a toxic relationship that you don't like the tone in which he is speaking to you. In response, he or she may attribute things to you that you never said, saying, "Oh, so you're perfect instead?" or "So I'm a bad person, huh?" even if you have done nothing but express your feeling. This allows them to invalidate your right to express thoughts or emotions about their inappropriate behavior and to instill guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.

Then there is another frequent form of diversion and cognitive distortion comparable to the alleged "mind reading". Toxic people often assume they know what you are thinking and feeling. They frequently jump to conclusions based on what bothers them rather than stopping to think seriously about the situation. They react according to their own illusions and logical errors and do not apologize for the pain they cause as a result. Known for attributing to others words they have not said, they portray you as the person with the bizarre intention or point of view, even though this does not belong to you. They accuse you of deeming them contemptible – even before you've given yourself time to comment on their behavior – as a form of pre-emptive defense.

Just stating, "I never said that" and walking away if the person keeps accusing you of doing or saying something you didn't do can help you set hard lines in this type of interaction. As long as the toxic person is able to place the blame on others by diverting attention from their own behavior, they will have been successful in convincing you that you should be ashamed of trying to question them.

5. Nitpicking and belittling the results obtained

The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism lies in the presence of personal attacks or impossible standards. These so-called “critics” often don't want you to get better, they just want to nitpick, humiliate you, and scapegoat you as often as possible. Abusive narcissists and sociopaths try to debunk your accomplishments to feel justified in being consistently dissatisfied with you. This happens when, despite having already provided all possible evidence to validate your position or having done everything possible to satisfy their requests, they expect further sacrifices from you or ask for more evidence to support what you claim.

Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will then wonder why you are not a millionaire yet. Have you already done everything necessary to make them feel satisfied? However, you should have maintained a greater degree of “independence”. The yardstick shifts constantly and new requests are meant to have you begging on your knees for approval and recognition from the narcissist.

By setting their expectations higher and higher from time to time or by changing them completely, manipulative and toxic people are capable of instilling in you a generalized sense of incompetence and inadequacy. By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you may have done wrong and analyzing it extensively, narcissists divert attention away from your strengths and lead you to develop an obsession with any possible flaws or weaknesses. They make you think about what their next expectation is that you'll have to meet — to the point where you'll go out of your way to meet their every single need — only to then realize that it still doesn't change the horrible way they treat you.

Don't get sucked into this spiral, if someone keeps digging up an irrelevant issue over and over again to the point where they don't even consider all the effort you've put into it, they aren't doing it to better understand the situation. They do this to make you believe that you constantly have to prove something to others. Instead, you have to prove something only to yourself. You must be aware that you are enough and prevent others from making you feel constantly incompetent and not up to par.

6. Change the subject to escape responsibilities

This tactic could be summed up with the phrase “What about me?”. The intention is to distract you from the actual speech so as to shift your attention to an entirely different matter. Narcissists don't want you to hold them accountable, so they twist the conversation so that their point of view is the center of attention. Are you complaining about how they neglect their children? They'll bring up a mistake you made seven years ago. This kind of diversion is unlimited in time or content, and often begins with a line like, "Well, what about that time I..."

On a larger level, this kind of diversion is used to derail discussions that endanger the status quo. A gay rights discourse, for example, could be quickly derailed by someone drawing attention to another social justice issue to distract people from the main discourse.

Don't get sidetracked – if someone tries to do it to you, you can try the 'broken record technique' and keep stating the facts without giving in to distractions. Redirect their attempt to redirect you by saying “That's not what I'm talking about. Let's focus on this issue." If they don't care, leave it alone and use your energy for something more constructive – like not arguing with someone who shows gross immaturity.

7. Threats and blackmail

Pathological narcissists feel attacked when their sense of entitlement, sense of superiority and self-worth is challenged in any way, and rather than deal with disagreements by making compromises, they prefer to deny you the right to have a point. of view, attempting to instill fear in you about the consequences of disagreeing with them and not complying with their requests. For them, the answer to any challenge is an ultimatum, and the formula "you must do this or I will do that" becomes a daily catchphrase.

If someone's reaction to your drawing boundaries or having a different opinion than theirs is to threaten you into giving up, whether it's a small veiled threat or a clear admission of what they intend to do, that's a sign alarm that indicates how the other is highly convinced that everything is due to him and has no intention of reaching a compromise.

8. Insults

Narcissists tend to cautiously exaggerate anything they perceive as a threat to their own superiority. In their world, they are the only ones who can always be right and anyone who dares to say otherwise creates a narcissistic wound that often results in anger.

In the worst cases these people choose to express their narcissistic anger through name-calling when they can't find a better way to manipulate your opinion or manage your emotions. Insults are their simplest method of bringing you down, humiliating you, and offending your intelligence, appearance, and behavior while invalidating your right to be an individual with your own point of view.

Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, or positions. A well-argued and documented opinion instead becomes "stupid" or "idiocy" in the eyes of a malignant narcissist or a sociopath who feels threatened and is unable to respond with a respectful and equally convincing idea. Rather than focusing on your positions, they target you as a person and try to detract from your credibility and intelligence in every possible way. It's important to stop any interaction that consists of name calling and communicate that you won't tolerate it. Don't internalize the insults: remember that if they resort to insults it is because they are not capable of attacking you with more intelligent methods.

9. Destructive conditioning

Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents and happy memories with abuse, frustration and hurt. They do this by belittling qualities or traits they once idealized and, at the same time, sabotaging your goals by ruining holidays and vacations. They may even isolate you from your friends and family or make you financially dependent on them. Like Pavlov's dogs, you are essentially conditioned over time to be afraid to do those things that once made your life fulfilling.

Narcissists and sociopaths and other toxic people do this because they want to draw attention to themselves and how you might please them. If there is anything outside of them that threatens their control over your life, they want to destroy it as soon as possible. They need to be the center of attention at all times. In the idealization stage, you were the center of the narcissist's world – but now the narcissist wants to become the center of yours.

Narcissists are also pathologically envious and want nothing to come between them and their influence on you. On the other hand, if you realize that you can get approval, respect and love from other people, what's stopping you from leaving them? In the eyes of the toxic person, a little conditioning is the best way to keep you on your toes and away from happiness and your dreams.

10. Defamation and stalking

When toxic personalities fail to control how you see yourself, they begin to control how others see you; they act like victims, leaving you to be labeled as the toxic individual. A smear campaign is the first step in sabotaging your reputation and tarnishing your name so that you have no friends to fall back on in case you decide to break away and cut ties with them. They may go as far as stalking and harassing you or people you know as a way to "expose" the truth about you; these acts aimed at exposing you serve to hide their abusive behaviors, projecting them onto you.

Some smear campaigns can also work to pit two groups of people against each other. A victim in an abusive relationship with a narcissist usually doesn't know what the other is saying about her during the relationship, but usually discovers her falsehoods after being abandoned.

Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and in front of you), slander you to your and their loved ones, tell stories that portray you as the abuser and them as the victim, and accuse you of the same behaviors they fear you might report. about them. At the same time they will abuse you methodically, deliberately but covertly so that they can use your reactions to prove that they are the real victims of your abuse.

The best way to deal with a smear campaign is to carefully gauge your reactions and stick to the facts. This is especially important in the event of a highly conflicted divorce with a narcissist who may be using your reactions to their taunts against you. Document any forms of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking and communicate with the narcissist through an advocate when possible. If you believe that the other is overdoing the stalking and abuse, you may decide to take legal action; finding an attorney who is knowledgeable about Narcissistic Personality Disorder is crucial in this case. Your character and integrity will do the rest as the mask of the narcissist begins to fall apart.

11. Love-bombing and devaluation

Toxic people put you through a phase of idealization until you are immersed and engrossed enough to start a friendship or relationship with them. Only then do they begin to devalue you, insulting the very things they used to admire so much. Alternatively, the toxic individual places you on a pedestal, devaluing and attacking someone else who undermines their sense of superiority. Narcissistic abusers do this all the time – they devalue their exes with the new partner, until the new partner begins to receive the same abuse as the narcissist's ex-partner. Eventually, what will happen is that you will receive the same kind of abuse. One day you will be the ex-partner they want to vilify with their new livelihood. You just don't know it yet. That's why it's important to keep the love-bombing technique in mind whenever you witness behavior that doesn't align with the kind of extreme sweetness the narcissist has accustomed you to.

Be aware that how a person treats or talks about someone else can potentially translate into how they treat you in the future.

12. Preventive defense

When someone brings up the fact that they are “nice guys” (or girls), that you “have to trust them” right off the bat, or they emphasize their credibility without any provocation of any kind, be wary of them.

Toxic and abusive people exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should trust them regardless, without first building a solid foundation of actual trust. They may "exhibit" a high level of empathy early in your relationship to tease you, only to take off this false mask later. In the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle, when the false mask slowly begins to fall off, they find themselves actually terribly cold, insensitive, and dismissive.

Genuinely kind people rarely need to constantly demonstrate their positive qualities — they exude their warmth far more than they talk about it, and they know that actions are worth far more than just words. They know that respect and trust need reciprocity, not words.

To counter preemptive defense, consider why a person should choose to emphasize their good qualities. Is it because they think you don't trust them or because they know you shouldn't? Trust actions more than empty words, and notice how actions show who someone is, not who they say they are.

13. Triangulation

By "triangulation" we mean the act of inserting an opinion, perspective or possible threat from a third person into the interactive dynamic. Often used to validate toxic personality abuse while also invalidating the victim's reactions to said abuse, triangulation can also be used to concoct love triangles that make you feel insecure.

Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their partner with strangers, co-workers, exes, friends, or even family members to evoke jealousy and insecurity in you. They also use the opinion of others to validate their point of view.

This diversionary tactic serves to divert your attention away from their abusive behavior and toward an image of them as desirable and in demand. It also leads you to doubt yourself – if Marta really agrees with Tommaso, does she mean that I'm wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to "report" falsehoods that others would have said about you, when in reality they are the ones who are defaming you.

To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with you is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. Basically, everyone gets fooled by this person. You turn the triangulation against the narcissist by finding support from a third party who is not under the narcissist's influence – and also by finding your own self-respect.

14. Testing Your Limits and Then Sucking You In

Narcissists, sociopaths, and other toxic personalities continually try to test your boundaries to figure out which ones they may cross. The more violations they manage to commit without consequences, the more they will take things to extremes. This is why victims of emotional and physical abuse are often abused worse and worse each time they return to their abusers.

Abusers tend to "suck" victims back to them with sweet promises, false remorse, and empty words about their willingness to change only to abuse their victim even worse. In the sick mind of the abuser, this testing of boundaries is a punishment for reacting to the abuse and also for coming back. When a narcissist tries to push the “emotional reset” button, he further pushes your boundaries rather than pushing them back.

Particularly manipulative people do not act out of empathy or compassion, but only out of the consequences of their actions.

15. Aggressive digs that pass for jokes

Plainclothes narcissists enjoy making snide jokes to your detriment. Usually they pass them off as "jokes" so they can afford to say terrible things while maintaining an innocent and calm air. Yet every time you snap at an insensitive and crude statement you are accused of having no sense of humor. This is a tactic often used in verbal abuse.

Yet, the scornful smirk and sadistic gleam in their eyes unmask them – like a predator playing with food, a toxic person enjoys your suffering and getting away with it. It's just a joke, right? Wrong. It's just another gaslighting technique that leads you to believe their abuse is a joke — a way to divert attention from their cruelty and shine a spotlight on your own supposed sensitivity. It's important that you speak up in these cases and point out that you're not going to tolerate this kind of behavior.

Pointing out to manipulative people that you are aware of their tactics to bring you down could lead to further gaslighting from the abuser, but stand your ground sharply against their behavior and end the interaction right away if necessary.

16. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone

Belittling and putting someone down is a toxic person's forte, and their tone of voice is only one of the tools they have. Sarcasm can be a fun avenue of communication when both parties are in agreement, but narcissists consistently use it as a method to manipulate and put you down. In fact, if you try to react in any way, it is evidently because "you are too sensitive".

Being constantly treated like an infant and picked on when you dare to express yourself, you will begin to be especially careful about expressing your thoughts and opinions in order not to be reprimanded. This self-censorship allows the abuser to silence you with less and less effort, because unfortunately you will start doing it on your own.

Whenever you are greeted with a sarcastic or patronizing tone, point it out seriously and assertively. You don't deserve to be talked to like a child – nor should you ever silence yourself to meet the expectations of someone else's superiority complex.

17. Shame you

“You should be ashamed” is a favorite phrase of a toxic person. It can be used by someone non-toxic too, sure, but in the world of narcissists and sociopaths, shaming yourself is an effective method that targets any behavior or belief that could jeopardize the toxic person's power over you. It can also be used to destroy or undermine the victim's self-esteem: if the victim dares to be proud of something, shaming them for that particular trait, quality, or achievement can serve to diminish their self-esteem and drive away any pride they may feel.

Malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths enjoy using your own wounds against you – therefore they will also shame you for any abuse or injustice you may have experienced in your life as a way to re-traumatize yourself. Have you survived childhood abuse? A malignant narcissist or sociopath will say that you must have done something to deserve it, or he will brag about his happy childhood to make you feel lacking and unworthy. What better way to hurt yourself, on the other hand, than to twist the knife in an old sore? These people are trying to reopen wounds, not help you heal them.

If you suspect you are dealing with a toxic person, avoid revealing any vulnerabilities or past traumas to them. As long as they don't show you their true character, there is no reason to reveal information that could potentially be used against you.

18. Control

Most importantly, people who love to manipulate you want to stay in control in any way they can. They isolate you, keep control over your finances and social networks, and manage every corner of your life in detail. Yet, the most powerful mechanism they have to control you is to play with your emotions.

This is why abusive narcissists and sociopaths craft conflict situations out of thin air to make you feel wrong. This is why they constantly get into fights over irrelevant issues and get angry over little things. That's why they withdraw emotionally, only to idealize you again as they start to lose control. That's why sometimes they act honest and sincere and sometimes they don't, so that you can never achieve a sense of psychological security about who your partner really is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the less likely it is that you can trust your reality and the truth about the abuse you are experiencing. Knowing manipulative techniques and how they work to erode your self-perception can give you the tools about what is happening to you and, at the very least, lead you to develop a plan to take your life back, away from toxic people.

A relationship what is?

What is a relationship based on?

It is based on an affinity, but you didn't decide the affinity but the unconscious decided it. Affinity means you have chosen that woman, and thus that man has been chosen, not on the basis of a scheme, but on the basis of a perception, of something that she possesses and she has, and that I do not possess. She completes my half. 

There is no peace in a relationship. 

The great sages tell us that restlessness comes from the fact that we are a process in continuous transformation, we are transforming ourselves while we seek certainties, we continue to change, and relationships are made to take place in change. 

So in restlessness we find tranquillity, but what is the relaxation that interests us? Not that of peace without jolts. Couples who don't fight break up. So what do we have to learn? To live among the waves, but to remind ourselves that there is an interval between the waves. The peace that exists among the tumultuous waves is what interests us. We learn not to let bad moods last, this is important, but don't avoid bad moods, and if it seems in a relationship that there are no bad moods it is because the relationship has just begun, bad moods will come. 

We learn that after a quarrel the reason for the quarrel is over, we learn that being with yourself, and being with your partner is not remembering what went wrong, the wrongs we have suffered, the things that are still not right, a couple is made to realize itself, itself to both realize their nature and to share a part of the journey together. Lasting loves are loves made of distances, not of collapses where both merge into each other.

The worst couples are the ones in which each tries to change to make the other happy or worse still tries to make the other become like you have in mind. How do we know if we are on the right track? When the other is no longer indispensable, he is a travel companion, a good travel companion is not indispensable, if he becomes indispensable it means that I don't have my own space, so I have to worry.

SILVIO BERLUSCONI

Sono convinto che avanti alla morte ci debba essere innanzitutto rispetto e che solo il tempo confermi o meno il valore di una persona. Placate le polemiche di parte, solo allora la Storia emetterà un giudizio sereno su Silvio Berlusconi, perché – piaccia o meno – il Cavaliere è stato comunque un cardine della storia politica e sociale italiana, ma anche di profonde trasformazioni di costume della nostra società.

Ricordiamolo come imprenditore prima che politico, un personaggio che con la sua ascesa rampante riuscì a rompere il monopolio RAI facendo progredire l’Italia in molti campi, oltre che aver offerto un lavoro a decine di migliaia di persone. “Pagando tangenti” dirà qualcuno e può darsi, ma avrebbe potuto emergere senza farlo? Lo si è dipinto come “mafioso” e mi sembra francamente esagerato, anche se probabilmente deve essere venuto a patti con poteri forti, o non avrebbe potuto realizzare le sue attività, così come fanno (quasi) tutti. .

C’è poi stato il Berlusconi politico, un uomo capace di capire prima di altri le novità elettorali, il crollo della prima repubblica, la volontà profonda della maggioranza degli italiani di non essere governati dalla sinistra che trent’anni fa era molto diversa da quella di oggi.

E’ seguito il Berlusconi premier che ha varato riforme importanti nonostante una opposizione preconcetta, viscerale, rallentante, a volte ottusa sia da parte del Quirinale (ricordiamoci di Scalfaro), che della Magistratura oltre che – ovviamente - dell’opposizione. Tutto ciò fa sempre parte del gioco, ma con lui la Legge non è stata “uguale per tutti” perché sicuramente nel suo caso tutto è stato anche strumentalizzato, forzato, esagerato tanto che ha passato la vita a difendersi con mille cavilli, rinvii, tentativi di progetti di legge “ad personam” contro chi lo voleva politicamente morto, spendendo un patrimonio di spese legali. Un personaggio egocentrico, a volte molto, imbarazzante ma Berlusconi era anche un uomo coraggioso, diretto, trascinante, generoso tanto che infinite persone ne hanno approfittato in ogni campo e in tante situazioni.

Certamente c’è stato anche il Berlusconi donnaiolo, libertino, eccessivo, ma a ben guardare tutta la sua vita è stata “eccessiva”, perché questa era la caratteristica del personaggio, a volte insopportabile, a volte entusiasmante.

Non esprimo quindi un giudizio, ma certamente se nel 1994 avesse fatto altre scelte non avremmo l’Italia di oggi nella politica, nell’economia e nei costumi.

C’è stato poi un Berlusconi “internazionale”, in Italia sottovalutato e volutamente letto troppe volte in chiave negativa e invece molte volte le sue amicizie personali gli hanno permesso contatti virtualmente impossibili. Spesso Berlusconi non è stato “politicamente corretto”, ma è così che ha costruito (o cercato di costruire) una serie ifinita di rapporti nel mondo. Ha iniziato partite storiche per una diversa integrazione della Russia nella UE nel momento in cui i rapporti con gli USA grazie a lui erano eccellenti ma – un po' come con Enrico Mattei tanti anni fa - se la piccola Italia diventa protagonista allora dà fastidio e chi cerca di farla crescere va emarginato, magari dando grande spazio ad aspetti piccanti ma marginali, ridicoli o negativi connotandoli come fossero la sostanza. Non era così, ma così doveva apparire.

Questi aspetti di Silvio Berlusconi, spesso dimenticati, hanno fatto di lui un personaggio unico, da valutare non oggi, ma nel tempo.

Qui di seguito un ricordo del Berlusconi politico e, nello specifico, per i suoi rapporti con la Destra di allora:

BERLUSCONI E LA DESTRA DI FINI

Cominciò tutto a Casalecchio di Reno, vicino a Bologna, nella tarda mattinata del 23 Novembre 1993. Silvio Berlusconi aveva appena inaugurato un suo nuovo supermercato (che allora si chiamava Euromercato, ora è un Carrefour) e una giornalista della sede ANSA di Bologna, Marisa Ostonali, gli chiese: “Cavaliere, se lei votasse a Roma chi sceglierebbe tra Rutelli e Fini?" Berlusconi rispose “Io credo che la risposta lei la conosca già. Certamente per Gianfranco Fini”.

Una deflagrazione, una bomba. Due giorni prima Fini - complice una DC romana spappolata e dissanguata tra scandali e liti interne – praticamente da solo aveva preso al primo turno delle elezioni comunali 617.000 voti contro i 687.000 del candidato della sinistra, Francesco Rutelli, andando al ballottaggio. Erano le prime elezioni che prevedevano l’elezione diretta del sindaco e con quella risposta Silvio Berlusconi scelse chiaramente una delle due sponde, ma quella che fino a un minuto prima era considerata “la parte sbagliata”.

Da qualche mese si vociferava di una sua possibile “discesa in campo”, ma nessuno aveva ancora capito “il se e il come”, visto che Berlusconi sembrava strettamente ancorato a quel centro-sinistra rappresentato dal PSI di Bettino Craxi, un partito socialista sommerso dai marosi della tempesta di “Mani Pulite”.

Certo pochi avrebbero scommesso su un Berlusconi a fianco di una destra non ancora sdoganata e che allora era rappresentata soltanto dal reietto Movimento Sociale Italiano - Destra Nazionale, roba da 5% o poco meno. Un partito emarginato e ripreso in mano da Fini solo pochi mesi prima dopo la parentesi di Pino Rauti e quasi per scherzo si era candidato a Roma in una “missione impossibile”.

Ma c’era in aria una grande novità che Silvio Berlusconi aveva colto prima degli altri: con la nuova legge elettorale maggioritaria tutti i voti sarebbero stati utili e buona parte del centro ex DC non avrebbe votato per gli ex comunisti.

La “bomba” fu potente: in un secondo Berlusconi rovesciava gli schemi, legittimava un personaggio in crescita (l’allora giovane Fini piaceva come volto nuovo, con picchi di audience in TV) ma facendo crollare quell’ “Arco costituzionale” che aveva emarginato per cinquant’anni la Destra dalla politica italiana.

Alla fine a Roma vinse Rutelli, ma il delfino di Giorgio Almirante conquistò il 47% dei voti.

Partì l’avventura: in poche settimane Silvio Berlusconi fondò Forza Italia con tutte le caratteristiche di un “partito-azienda” e dove i primi quadri furono i suoi manager di Publitalia. Slogan, musichette, inni, minigonne e gadget all’americana: una rivoluzione comunicativa, mentre nel frattempo Fini trasformava il MSI in Alleanza Nazionale e in poche settimane, complice il finissimo mediatore di Fini Pinuccio Tatarella, l’alleanza Fini-Berlusconi si concretizzò.

Il 27 e 28 marzo ‘94 la “gioiosa macchina da guerra” dell’allora leader del PDS Achille Occhetto (data per sicura vincente) finì fuori strada, il Presidente della Repubblica Oscar Luigi Scalfaro sfiorò l’infarto mentre Berlusconi vinceva alla grande conquistando Palazzo Chigi: era cominciata la “Seconda Repubblica”.

Fini piazzò quattro ministri, ma di fatto iniziò un duello con momenti di autentica condivisione alternati a finti sorrisi e coltellate sottobanco.

“Non dura” si diceva dalle parti di AN pensando al Cavaliere e invece non solo Berlusconi durò, ma - quando Bossi piantò in asso la maggioranza - alle elezioni del 1996 Forza Italia surclassò nuovamente Alleanza Nazionale che, più strutturata, pensava che il partito di plastica del Cavaliere si frantumasse.

Il partito-azienda invece si consolidò e tra alti e bassi continuò una lunga sopportazione reciproca dove il Cavaliere con i suoi colpi di scena squinternava regolarmente gli accordi e gli scenari concordati, con un Fini furioso sempre costretto alla perenne rincorsa.

Un esempio clamoroso fu più di dieci anni dopo, quando – da una portiera semiaperta di un’auto in pieno centro a Milano – una sera (con l’improvvisato “discorso del predellino”) Berlusconi annunciò di fatto la “fusione” di FI con AN nel “Popolo della Libertà”.

Non era vero (quasi) niente, ma a quel punto non si poteva fare altro che confermarlo e fu l’inizio tribolato di un partito mai nato, tra aperti dissidi ai vertici come alla base. Una tensione che divenne pubblica il 22 aprile 2010 quando Fini (allora presidente della Camera) interruppe il Cavaliere che si stava scagliando troppo veemente contro le “toghe rosse” difendendo i magistrati.

Girarono parole grosse davanti alle telecamere, fino al famoso “Che fai, mi cacci?» di Fini che poi se ne andò davvero dal PDL con un gruppo di 33 deputati e 10 senatori fondando “Futuro e Libertà”, partito che guardava al centro ma ebbe una vita meno che effimera.

Una incompatibilità personale tra Silvio e Gianfranco che pesò più del dato politico: Fini non accettava i modi sbrigativi da padrone di casa tipici di Berlusconi e quest’ultimo mal sopportava il ruolo da protagonista di Fini, spesso coccolato dai media in chiave antiberlusconiana.

Le vicende personali si legarono poi a quelle politiche con Berlusconi che considerava quello di Fini un tradimento da figliuol prodigo e Fini che accusava il Cavaliere per le campagne scandalistiche dei media berlusconiani, soprattutto sulla vendita di una casa a Montecarlo a favore del fratello della sua compagna, Elisabetta Tulliani.

Gianfranco Fini - per vent’anni delfino designato alla fine rimasto senza trono - uscì definitivamente di scena con la sconfitta elettorale del 2013, mentre Berlusconi tenne duro nonostante la “legge Severino”, gli alti e bassi di Forza Italia, le indagini delle procure, gli scandali e il correre degli anni. Ritornato al Senato l’anno scorso fino all’ultimo ha voluto essere lui il protagonista, probabilmente soffrendo del crescente seguito goduto da Giorgia Meloni.

The Second Chance

One of the worst parts of the acceptance of an apology is to decide whether or not we want to give the person who hurt us to have a second chance at life. Everyone deals with conflict differently, and our own experiences accumulated, our ability to forgive and move on.

With the offer of forgiveness or a second chance at life, it's a difficult situation, and it requires responsibility, maturity, and the input of both parties.

It makes sense to focus on your feelings, and if someone is doing something bad, but try to understand the context of the person’s activities to be able to help you in the process. This is not an excuse for them, and that it's not to devalue your feelings, but it also adds a context to their work, but you can make it easier for you to at least try to express empathy and to offer forgiveness or to move in the forward direction.

As hard as it's, the practice of forgiveness and a second chance at life will help you to grow as an individual. Learn how to get to “choose your battles”, it will help you to understand the solving the conflict is well worth the effort.

Life is too short to do all the bad ways of doing this. Of course, the best solution is to, in some cases, walk away, especially when it’s to correct the situation itself may lead to further damage. However, when you have become full of repentance for what it was, giving a person a second chance, can lead to a better outcome.

Think of the times when they were forced to ask for forgiveness or have a second chance at life. Why did you do this? Because it is a second chance at life, a chance to be a better person and develop as a person. If you want others to be able to see this kind of growth potential in you, and you will need to ask them if they can see the potential in the other person.

Try to keep the treatment in a negative situation as a learning opportunity. You can also learn how to avoid negative situations, but you can also learn how to be a better messenger to them-for both the person who you want to be forgiven, and you will be able to meet each other later in life.

An insult is like an emotional anchor. This will make sure that you are in a swimming pool, the negatives, and it drains you emotionally. Forgiveness and a second chance at life to be your wind, and the sails to move forward.

To deny a person a second chance, you have to deny yourself of the peace that comes with forgiveness and moving forward. Free yourself from the burden of it because it is not for you.

Times when it’s Okay to Give a Second Chance

1. If It is More Than Just Love

Not just by anyone, but only because of your love for each other. There has to be something more than love. Of course, this is one of the most important factors in a relationship, but don’t forget about trust, loyalty, and respect for each other. When love is all that holds you together but do not have that, any other issues, do not give your partner another chance. If you have a solid foundation for a happy and healthy relationship, you need to consider it to have a second chance at life.

2. If It is Severe Enough To Destroy Your Foundation

The decision to give your partner a second chance in life, depends, really, on what they have done to get to that point in the first place. If you have the feeling that what he was doing was not serious enough to destroy the foundation of the relationship, it’s worth taking the time to think about it. There has been some resentment that the destruction of the relationship, and there is no going back. However, other things are a pair of close-by. If you feel like that’s the last one, of course, is to do whatever your heart (and mind) will force you to do so.) be happy.

3. If Actions Speak Louder Than Words

To find out whether your significant other is still a window of opportunity, you waive all of his or her actions. The words are nice, but to be honest, sometimes they don’t mean anything. If your partner says that he or she is going to change, but there has been no action to prove it, so why should I trust him or her? It’s good to get your significant other to have a chance to work with you if you have the feeling that he or she is making a big effort to find out what he or she deserves.

4. When The Both Of Them, Are Determined To Make It Work

Give your partner a chance, therefore, that there is hope, it is that what has happened is the first time it won’t happen again, but the old patterns of behaviour, don’t stop. We have to actively work to change the dynamic. If you are committed to making things work, and a trip to the therapy doesn’t make you want to jump out of the window, you don’t get another chance at what you love is hot.

5. When A Lesson is Learned

If someone does something bad it is, how do we know that they will not have to re-do it? As a rule, they do not do so because they have learned their lesson. However, if your partner has to conclude what he was doing, and now that she knows how to do it right, it’s good to have a second chance at life in order. If you feel you have to ensure that he or she does not understand the consequences of her actions, it just means that you need to learn about — and, unfortunately, nothing is going to change.

6. If They are genuinely Sorry

I am Sorry, but that does not work here. To profoundly move forward after you have done something wrong, you need to be aware of your role in this. They need to understand the pain that they have caused and are sorry.” If your spouse is not regretting what he did, what is it that keeps him or her from doing it again? It is the difference between an apology and an honest mistake. You will find out if your partner is being honest about your excuses. If it is genuine enough it will work out.

Mother's toxic love

Manipulative mothers and the effects of toxic love on their children

“A mother has two duties: to worry and to avoid it”.

Being, not being a mother, is a path as exciting as full of pitfalls, overflowing with bridges and abysses, tears and repairs. It is a bond that starts from afar, when the child is not yet in the womb but lives in the heart, when she is not yet in the flesh but is a ghost child; bond that then continues for the rest of life, even when the child is an adult by birth. The emotional relationship between mother and son (or daughter) should walk the balance between presence and the right distance, between care, nurturing and autonomy.

The alternation of love and the right distance, however, is almost never easy to implement. It is a chimerical dance between the needs of the mother and those of the son, between the mother's projections and her fears. Between the submerged and the unsolved that move the strings of many behaviors or needs of the heart and a child who tries to come out with difficulty from the egg-family.

The ability to be good mothers, or good mothers, depends on a variegated kaleidoscope of factors: on the mother's personality structure, on the child's character, on the parental bond - therefore on the "health" of the couple - and on the family dynamics that they came to be created. The mother walks in the balance like a tightrope between her being her mother, her being her woman and life partner. The balances are complex and sometimes one area looms over the other with the risk of engulfing it.

When the child is small, the mother is usually particularly attentive. Her psycho-physical growth, her well-being and her future depend on her care and attention. The child grows up, and the mother-child relationship gets underway. The balances change, or should change, the balance needle moves towards the pole of autonomy: physical and psychic. The mother, although she is always present, takes or should take a step back.

She teaches him to tie his own shoes, to eat alone, to take the bus to school without getting lost, to cross the street without being run over. The first conquests appear and consequently the first anxieties. Some mothers find it difficult to detach themselves from their child because they think that he, or she, cannot move freely in the world without her indispensable presence, and because she, the mother, no longer has a reason to exist without the maternal role and identity of she.

They consider it small, to be looked after, fragile for a world so full of pitfalls and threats. A child who is raised on bread and anxieties will in turn become an anxious and insecure adult, fragile and scared of the new, with low self-esteem. He won't be able to manage on his own, with a good chance he will seek out dominant partners to guide him in the hope of receiving parental care and psychological support in return.

When a mother's love suffocates

Sometimes a mother's love becomes a noose, a handcuff, an encumbrance. She becomes morbidly asphyxiating. It takes away the air, the living spaces, it clips the wings to the growth and adult dimension of the child's existence. Some mothers, due to their personality structure, because they in turn were raised by cumbersome and omnipresent mothers whose footsteps they reproduce again, because they are unhappily married, and for many other reasons they become asphyxiated mothers. Hyper vigilant, controlling, exuberant, super present, substitutes for the needs of the children.

In practice, they make a very dangerous shift from their lives and their most secret needs to that of their children. They try to have control over everything thinking they know what is the best choice for their child, an attitude that becomes more acute when the child grows up and starts making his own decisions independently. Which high school to attend, which boyfriend or girlfriend to love, how to dress, make up, or not to shave.

The child who becomes an adult leaves a void that cannot be filled, thus, when the mother has made only the mother, she cannot stand detachment, she cannot transform the bond into an adult and resolved bond, veering dangerously and in spite of herself towards a dimension of selfishness, narcissism and manipulation, of extreme seduction.

Moms who love too much

Badness or previous traumas? The script that repeats itself

Except in cases of previous psychopathologies, a mother does not become engulfing or aggressive out of pure pleasure or out of innate malice, but because of the childhood they have lived, which she has not elaborated and which she tends to re-propose in a dangerously unchanged way. These are mothers who in turn have suffered mothers or bulky, icy, rigid parents. Women who have themselves been humiliated, as well as controlled and manipulated.

These mothers were trapped in their childhood bloody wound which they attempted, amateurishly and inadequately, to heal by establishing a compensatory bond with their children. One of the most powerful mechanisms of the psyche is the compulsion to repeat, a sort of trap that leads to repeating ancient relational scripts, even the most dysfunctional.

History repeats itself, but this time the roles are reversed: the victim becomes the perpetrator, and the unloved daughter becomes an unbearable mother. In other cases, the behavior of manipulative mothers is due to character and personological traits that are difficult to change: women with a strong and dominant character who always need to keep everything under control, to control, to command.

Another case of unhappiness for children is their permanence in dysfunctional families. Unhappily married women shift their denied needs onto their children, sublimate and compensate. They promote him as a substitute partner, they make him a boyfriend, a lover, a husband who frantically tries to satisfy their need for care.

In the shadow of the mother no child grows.

 
The recurrent use of lies and denials

Between guilt and the need to fix, a child doesn't understand why he's sick, because he struggles to feel independent. Because he feels wrong, out of the box, inadequate. He feels the links of the maternal grip on his skin, but he doesn't see them, he doesn't know how to loosen it, how to get rid of it. He is afraid of hurting and disappointing her, of causing her further pain by her independent or rebellious behavior. To love in freedom, to dress as he wants and to choose the job he likes. In short, to become himself.

The cumbersome shadow of an intrusive or too present mother can have serious implications in the achievement of independence and happiness. A child raised under the hegemony of a manipulative mother had to get by as well as she could. You have learned the recurrent use of lies or half-truths in an attempt to carve out a corner of the sky.

Lying is for him a way out of the maternal grip, a real survival mechanism. At first he implements it so as not to disappoint his mother, to avoid the sense of guilt following her non-approval, in some way to try to survive; over time, he learns to use this "resource", he makes it his own, so he will automate its saving use even in adulthood, to avoid assuming responsibility for his actions as an independent person. The lie defends him from reality testing, protects him, will cloak himself to hide his emotions and fears, with the sole purpose of not disappointing his mother, in a vain attempt to live or rather to survive in any context.

Unresolved and intrusive mothers treat their children as if they were personal property. A precious asset to take care of and worry about, always and forever. This toxic bond has a whole range of implications for the child's emotional, psychic and sexual development. In the love and sexual sphere, a child who becomes an adult will live in bonds of love in a limping way: on the one hand he wants to love and be loved, on the other he fears unconsciously betraying his mother and finding an engulfing woman like her.

He thus develops a clear difficulty in establishing intimacy and a genuine emotional connection with an adult partner. He will look for unequal ties without real planning to defend his fears, and his immobilism of the heart. On the sexual level, he may experience an erectile deficit due to an excess of anxiety - from performance and from relationships -, premature ejaculation, due to the ambivalent relationship with the female figure, or delayed ejaculation due to hyper emotional control.

Even the choice of the ideal woman will be a path fraught with difficulties.

For the invasive mother no woman can be good for the heir. Too high, too low. Demanding, uncompromising. Accommodating, resigned. foreign.

Functions and dysfunctions of a family.

How a mother manipulates: from sweet to hostile words to symptoms

Taking care of a child doesn't (not always) mean worrying about them. Keeping fear to yourself for a symbolic and tiring stage in her life is equivalent to giving him the opportunity to take flight. Ensuring that the child who has now become an adult, at least in terms of age, can access his adult dimension of existence: the psychic one and autonomy.

An invasive mother does not give up and manipulates her as she can. She seduces with grace and an excess of fuss and kindness, she wounds with sharp and judgmental words. And when she's not getting what she wants, she manipulates with the symptoms, developing an anxiety neurosis, and blaming her illness on her wayward and ungrateful son.

A good mother, or rather a good mother, should take a step, sometimes even more than one, backwards to make her child fall and get up again; her that she makes mistakes and fixes, that she chooses wrong loves to then understand what she no longer wants from her life; that she finds her psychic center of gravity, without crutches or vicarious maternal substitutes.